Let me tell you about how I had cheated death.

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Let me tell you a story about how I had cheated death.

It all started when I was watching some Star King clips on youtube, and I came across this clip of Alex of Clazziquai doing some rather odd things with his butt.  Caught your attention didn’t I? You guys are all perverts! It’s okay, we’re all perverts.  Except me.  I’m pure.   You hear that mom? Stop telling the neighbors I am a pervert!

Anyways, the clip is of Alex breaking some chopsticks with just the power of his butt alone.  It starts at 2:57 into the video.

When I saw that, I thought “Holy cow! That’s awesome!” If I was a superhero, I would totally choose that as my superpower.  I mean who the hell wants heat vision or invisibility when you can break stuff with your butt?  I mean what the hell are you going to do with invisibility? Spy on villains while they take a shower? Ewww! But… if you could break stuff with your butt, no one would dare to mess with you.  NO ONE! Think about it, if you see an evildoer attempting something sinister, all you have to do is tell them “Hey! Stop! Or else I will break you in half with my butt!” Let me tell you, if someone threatened to break me in half using just their butt, I would be so scared that I would do anything they wanted.  ANYTHING.  Except that one really nasty thing.  For that I would have to check to see if they’re bluffing first.   And that’s not all.  Do you know what’s the best thing about this superpower? You are pretty much untouchable in prison.  UNTOUCHABLE! You can drop the soap all you want and no one would dare to do anything.  Why? Because you can break things with your butt! That’s why! So think about that the next time you play the “if you could have any superpower, what would it be?” game.

Anywho, after seeing how awesome it was, I obviously had to try it out for myself.  So I went and took some chopsticks straight out of the sink.  I considered washing them first, but then I remembered that I didn’t need to because I was going to put them under my butt anyways.   I did everything that Alex had done, but god damn it was a lot harder than it looked.  So I clenched my buttocks and squeezed even harder.  So hard in fact that for a moment there I thought that I might have pooed my pants.   Actually I probably did poo my pants.  Even so, I was probably closer to breaking my anus than breaking the chopsticks.  However, right when all hope seems to be lost, I heard a loud “SNAP!“  Alas! I have broken the chopsticks! Although, there was this surprisingly sharp pain that accompanied the “SNAP!“

Boy was I scared.  If that pain was because I had broken my anus, I am soooooo screwed.  And if I had to call my mom at work to tell her to come home and take me to the hospital because I had broken my anus, she would probably straight up kill me.  Executioner style.  However, if I didn’t call her and she came home to find me with a broken anus and poop in my pants, she would probably tear me a new butt hole.  Even so, at least it’s still better than death.  Either way, I have to first make sure that my anus is actually broken before I start taking drastic actions.  So I bent down to check, and as it turns out it was just a false alarm.  Phew…what a relief.  My anus is still in one piece! Hallelujah!  The pain was apparently just from the broken pieces of the chopsticks being lodged into my anus.  It’s not even a big deal.  I mean it’s definitely not the outcome I was expecting after watching Alex do it, but it’s still better than the alternative.  I mean so what if I now have chopsticks lodged up my butt? At least I’m not dead.  And that my friend is how I had cheated death.

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